As those who have been reading my blog for a while may have noticed, I am usually quite passionate about my convictions, as well as most things I choose to write about. Today is somewhat different. Due to a great strain on me from a myriad of circumstances, I am temporarily lacking any and all passion. Just as motivation is necessary to be successful in any creative endeavor, writing is a function that can not be forced (not the meritorious sort, anyway).
Right now I feel as if the world is upon my shoulders. I am looking forward to things getting better, for I know in time, they will. However, considering the magnitude of major stresses presently upon me, it is no wonder my usually enthusiastic demeanor is pausing to contemplate, conserve energy, and to prepare for mourning.
In addition to the issues plaguing my marriage which essentially come down to deciding if it something I wish to continue, my friend whom I have mentioned recently expecting a baby boy with a major heart defect, is scheduled to give birth tomorrow. I drove the couple hours to spend the day with her on Friday, knowing it would be my last chance to see her before her life is turned into a whirlwind of hope, worry, uncertainty, and possibly immense grief. She disclosed a few details and other thoughts that she had not mentioned before, as I am sure they are too painful to talk about often.
All things considered, we did have a nice day together and I took the opportunity to appreciate her two-year old son more than I ever had. As I was getting ready to leave for my two-hour drive home, in what turned out to be a very stormy and ominous night, her unborn baby began to stir, pushing so that you could see the bulge protrude from her abdomen. As if to make sure we hadn’t forgotten about him, he moved and pressed outward for everyone to see.
After having time to think even more about her situation during my drive home, I had a very strange and intense dream later that night. I dreamed that the baby was pressing out so far that I began to see the shape of his face through her skin. He continued to protrude further and further, stretching her skin out in front of her. I began to worry he was going to break through, when the next thing I knew I was holding him with one arm. I yelled in disbelief, “Oh my God, he just came out!” but she didn’t believe me at first. I told her, “look! There’s the umbilical cord! He’s in my arm!” I quickly remembered that he will not be able to survive on his own and, panicking, used my other hand to dial 911. I shouted for them to hurry that a baby who can’t survive on his own was just born without warning. Before I knew it, there were people everywhere, coming from all around. We swept his mouth to clear out any excess fluid or debris and it seemed that he was able to breathe fine. I remember thinking how cute he was and the overwhelming feeling of joy and relief that came over me in realizing that he was going to be alright.
Reflecting on the random dreams I have had in the past that have managed to foretell an eminent event, I couldn’t wish more that the happy ending here turns out to be one of them.
Interestingly, I had no idea where this post would go when I began. It appears I found something to write about after all; although I truly fear the details of my next entry.
Tags: dreams, fear, hope, life, uncertainty
April 8th, 2008 at 12:13 am
I really hope that things will work out for your friend and her baby. I will be thinking of her and her family tomorrow and remember just one thing - they call it practicing medicine for a reason. They said my daughter would never be. She just celebrated her 10th birthday and is doing fine.
I don’t know what sort of heart defect this baby exactly, but a friend of mine gave birth to a little boy almost 15 years ago. He was born without a pulmonary valve. He endured three open heart surgeries in the first 48 hours of his life and I’m happy to say that he’s now an almost 15 year teenager. He still has some health issues related to his heart condition, but with two other subsequent surgeries and stints being in place he seems to be doing well.
Keep hoping, because you just never know what’s planned….
Your friend and her family will be in my thoughts tomorrow.
April 8th, 2008 at 1:16 am
And mine, too, VS.
And you’ll be in them as well. Sometimes it’s extra hard to be a good friend, and you’re doing it.
April 8th, 2008 at 6:56 am
There are many things in this world that seem to be there to test our resolve.
My daughter was born severely prematurely and, as her stepfather, I was not there, but she survived and, almost 12 years later, she may be small but she is by far the most determined child I have ever met.
Your friend obviously has your complete love and support and I have no doubt that, whatever the outcome, you will be by her side to help her and her children through whatever life brings.
Much love.
April 8th, 2008 at 7:23 am
I am sorry that you seem to be going through a tough time.
I hope that you will be able to find a reason to stay in your marriage.
And I truly hope that your friend will have her baby. After all that she has been through…
April 9th, 2008 at 11:27 am
I’m thinking of you, your friend and her baby. Hope to hear some positive news from you. How nice that you got to spend some time with her and be there for her.
I know how difficult it is to decide whether or not to stay in a marriage; I’m going through the same right now. It’s heart-wrenching the changes that could take place for all of us with one simple decision; stay or go.
April 9th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Choo Choo,
As I type this, I’m waiting on pins and needles to hear something. She was induced yesterday morning and I spoke with her for quite a while late last night until midnight and she still had not had him yet. I called her husband’s cell phone this morning and no one answered. I left a message, knowing that they have a great deal going on, but if he gets a spare moment at some point, to please call, if only for a minute to let me know how things are going. I haven’t heard anything yet.
I am surprised and sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing with your marriage. I actually took a huge step today and looked at apartments, but am only considering a 6-month lease, to see how things go. It will be a nice adjustment cushion if we do decide to divorce, and I think a healthy learning experience if we don’t. In fact, in my mind, it is the ONLY way at this point for there to be any chance of getting through our issues. We are trapped in a bad cycle, and for someone like me (ENFP), endless cycles with no chance for improvement are absolutely suffocating. Obviously, I am desperate or I wouldn’t be willing to leave my 3,700 square foot house to go live in a 770 sq. ft apartment! Good luck to you and please keep me updated.
April 10th, 2008 at 4:07 am
So many times in our live’s, we experience the turmoil of emotion, the upheaval of change, and a vulnerability towards and fear of the future.
It’s obviously a very difficult time for you right now, a time of confusion and perhaps despair.
I hope that you can turn to your family, and your closest friends, and that they are willing and able to listen to your problems, and provide support at a time when you need it most.
Perhaps even the fact that you can so beautifully express your feelings and emotions in words may help you get through everything.
Without wishing to sound patronising, concentrate of the good in your life, don’t let your strength and positivity become buried amongst the metaphorical ruins of change.
Like everyone else, this particular Cyber friend wishes you well