Firstly, I’d like to settle one issue: No. I don’t actually speak like that, although, admittedly, coming up on my 5-year anniversary living in North Carolina I do occasionally draw a word out longer than it needs to be, blushing immediately at the realization (and horrified that it seems to be happening more and more all the time).
Secondly, I’d like to thank the few who still check back occasionally to make sure I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth since I have had too much going on to dedicate the time I’d like to writing, leaving large, ugly gaps between posts.
Thirdly, I felt like sharing that I have just returned from a very dysfunctional family vacation to the Outer Banks which included about twice as much family as I would have liked. Not only have I been having marital troubles as of late, but this voyage was a product of my susceptibility to my mother’s relentless pressure on me to commit to things she wants to do (and well in advance, mind you). Having only been home for approximately two hours and exhausted beyond measure, I am currently attempting a mother-detox, but there is a great deal of residual resentment that I am having difficulty in shaking. Oddly, I revert to an infant-like state in my ability to intelligibly and effectively communicate with that woman beyond the superficial level, and equally unfortunate, the stress I endure when in her presence inevitably turns me into the very type of person she loathes and already believes me to be. It is like some strange phenomenon where I allow her to create me into something to condemn and emotionally subjugate.
On the bright side, these issues may have inspired a whole new subject for me to lament about in my posts! The situation has certainly begged the question whether it’s possible that I’m just being overly sensitive and choosing to see the negative in people, although my original and more intrinsic belief is that I’ve been surrounded by many dysfunctional individuals for so long but finally see these relationships for what they are and have become extremely frustrated because the other’s aren’t interested in breaking the cycles. Therefore, I look like the “bad guy” for wanting–correction–needing change. Yet, when it arouses difficulties in multiple relationships at one time, it is easy for the others to perceive the problem lies in the individual stirring things up, as opposed to within themselves, no?
Could I be on to something or am I just crazy?
June 25th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Well, you could be onto something AND crazy. They aren’t mutually exclusive.
June 25th, 2008 at 10:56 am
I know how you feel about the accent thing because I lived in Texas for about eight months and came back to Florida saying “ya’ll”. As for your mother issue I have one similar only I am the one telling my mom what to do. Ever since my father died my role as a son has transformed into me being the parent to my mother. I could go on and on here but the bottom line is that I get where you’re coming from. Anyway glad to see you are back and I look forward to reading more.
June 25th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Jeffrey,
Good point.
Actually, I think it’s most likely that we are all (myself and those mentioned) dysfunctional (aka, crazy) to varying degrees, it’s just that I’ve become more aware of it now and, for whatever reason, am exclusively participating in any kind of honest introspection and self-reflection. Point being, I’m certainly the least crazy of the bunch!
Doug,
I don’t think I have actually uttered y’all aloud–that will be a defining moment in my life. If and when that happens I will take it as my official cue that it’s time to get the hell outta Dodge (so to speak).
I’m curious, was your mother overly dependent on your father, or is it more just an emotional need you’re filling? I made more observations than usual about my parents’ relationship on this trip, so I find your comment especially interesting.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Jeez, VS, you are dead on target. I’ve had to do a lot of my own work on these kinds of things. A dysfunctional system, like say a family, is happy to be just that, dysfunctional, because that’s the way it works. Moreover, if someone in that system wants to change it, even if it’s for the better, the rest of the system fights it. Everyone has a role and the system fights to keep that balance. So your dysfunctional family does not want you to change.
It has been very hard for me to step out of my own dysfunctional family. I first had to realize I can’t change anyone else. It’s hard enough to change my own self. I had to boundary the shit out of a lot of people in my life. For my own sanity, I stay away from negative people. And I had to learn to be myself in all situations, no matter who liked it (me) or not.
I look forward to more posts on this subject!
July 19th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Boy, do I know where you are coming from on this. Strangely enough, I’ve been experiencing a bit of this myself the past month……all of them at the same time. Hey! I’m contemplating buying a remote island somewhere…and, sipping drinks from coconuts for the next few years. Wanna come along?
July 20th, 2008 at 12:05 am
Tamera, I’m as good as there! Just give me the longitude and latitude coordinates and I’ll find you.
I don’t even need a remote location, per se, just far removed from here. Seriously, if it weren’t for my kids –or maybe because of them
–I could start completely over tomorrow with a whole new life.
So give me a hint: is this a Pacific island or Mediterranean?